


Dear Me...

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-10 09:30:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12296331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: Set after the series and inspired by 'Letter to My Teenage Self'





	1. Barbara to teenage Barbara

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC... no copyright infringement intended

Dear Me,

I want you to trust me. I want you to believe everything that I am going to tell you, however fanciful it might seem. I would never lie to you.

I know life seems really hard right now, and sadly it is going to get a lot worse before it starts to get any better. You won’t want to hear that, but it’s the truth. You are going to feel as if the whole world is against you, which it isn’t, but you will see it that way because you are so hurt, so angry, and so very alone.

You will achieve your ambition to be a police officer, and you will make it all the way to the rank of Detective Sergeant, but it won’t be without its trials and tribulations, again, because you are so angry and wounded.

Life is not one big conspiracy. It may feel like it is, but it truly isn’t. Everyone is not out to get you, but you do make it difficult, you won’t allow anyone to get close to you because you are afraid of getting hurt. That’s understandable, losing Terry, becoming estranged from Mum and Dad, it’s no wonder that you don’t want to risk letting anyone in.

That will change. One day you will be partnered with Detective Inspector Thomas Lynley.

You’ll know of him from office gossip, and you will be convinced that he is a punishment being meted out to you from on high. He is an earl, upper class, smugly superior, in fact he is everything that you believe you despise.

You'll find out that he isn't.

Your partnership can’t be described as smooth sailing, and you will manage to rub each other up the wrong way on an almost hourly basis, but he will see something in you, and you will see something in him, something that gives you both a sense of hope, for your partnership and the future.

He will arrange for your family home to be redecorated so that you can sell it and move into a lovely little flat of your own. You will be furious with him, and he will feel the sharp edge of your tongue. There will also be a massive wobble when you try to hand in your resignation because you believe he has betrayed you. What he tells you will shock you to your very core, and you’ll discover that he will never give up on you.

Being partnered with Tommy, because that is how you will come to think of him even if you never call him anything other than sir, will be the making of you, and surprisingly of him too. You will become best friends, knowing that you can rely on each other whatever happens. You will do anything for him, and you know that you can trust him to do the same.

During one case you will be shot. You will recover, but it will be a long and hard road. On your first case back, you will be held hostage by a policeman with a shotgun. You will be suffering from PTSD, and will also be doing your best to hide it from everyone, especially Tommy. When you break, and believe me you will, Tommy will be the one who holds you, comforts you, and gives you a safe place to give in to all the emotions you tried to keep buried inside.

You will get to meet his family, and stay at his estate in Cornwall. They will see you as a member of their family, and to your surprise you will feel comfortable with that. You will support him throughout his marriage; when he and his wife lose their unborn baby, when their marriage implodes, and when his wife is shot and killed not long after they resume their relationship. 

When he is arrested for murder you will let him take his temper out on you, something you would never have imagined allowing, because he needs a safe outlet. You will risk your career to prove his innocence, because you know that he is far more important to you than the job.

You and he will have a connection that no one else will ever understand. You will instinctively know what the other is thinking, and you will be able to hold a conversation without uttering a single word. When you are together it is to the exclusion of everyone else. But, for all your closeness there is one thing you will do your damnedest to make sure he never knows.

That you are completely and hopelessly in love with him.

I can picture the expression on your face as you read that, but this is what I meant at the start of the letter when I said that I would never lie to you.

Tommy Lynley is gorgeous. He has soulful brown eyes, dark brown hair that flops over one eye no matter how much he tries to control it, and his voice… you won’t care what he says to you just as long as he keeps talking. But what you will really find attractive about him is his heart.

You are the only thing that matters to Tommy. You will argue, but you will also know that those arguments will never break what the two of you have. You will never be much for physical contact, but when it is Tommy, well let’s just say you don’t complain!

Meeting Tommy is going to be the best thing that ever happens to you, so hang on in there, your life will get better.

Trust me!

An older (and hopefully!) wiser Barbara


	2. Tommy's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _This is Tommy's POV, but not in the format of a letter to his younger self, it is more like a journal entry._

I’m trying to make sense of my life. Of what I’ve been through, how I’ve reacted to it, and how that has brought me to where I currently am. The problem is, where on earth do I start?

Mother and Father never tried to hide their high expectations of me. I was born to be the eighth Earl of Asherton and I needed to be prepared for that role. From education to behaviour and all that fell in between, everything was planned to what seemed like the nth degree, and I’ve been crippled by the weight of that responsibility ever since.

Things became much worse when my father was dying and I discovered my mother’s affair with Trenarrow. A maelstrom of negative emotions engulfed me. Resentment, anger, loneliness and despair threatened to drown me and so I dealt with them in the only way I knew how; by turning my back on everyone and everything. 

I rejected my mother. No matter how hard she tried to explain herself or apologise I wouldn’t let her, I didn’t want to hear her excuses or justifications. By shutting her out I also destroyed my relationship with my younger brother Peter, but I couldn’t see past my rage. The only member of my family who didn’t seem to despise me was my older sister Judith.

I regret that, for all the good regret does. 

My final act of rebellion was to join the police service, and in doing so I found a place where I belonged. Strangely, I didn’t mind the rules, structure and responsibility expected of me because there was a purpose to it. I wasn’t doing things because of some birthright imposed duty, I was doing things because someone was relying on me. 

And then I was partnered with Detective Sergeant Barbara Havers.

She didn’t like me, and she made it perfectly clear. I wasn’t surprised because her reputation preceded her, and it wasn’t pretty. Her mercurial moods and temper were a revelation, and working with her was akin to juggling a ball of fire, but she intrigued me and I made the decision to stick with her and our partnership.

It was the right decision.

Bit by bit I managed to break down her defences, allowing me to discover the funny, intelligent and loyal woman that lay behind them. We became the closest of friends, and I learnt how much she treasured that relationship. Again and again she stood by me; at work, throughout my disastrous marriage to Helen, and when I was arrested for murder. No matter what I did, no matter how I treated her, she stuck.

The more I got to know Barbara the more important she became to me. My initial intrigue became fondness, and that fondness then morphed into love. When she got shot in front of me I was terrified of losing her, and when she was held hostage I would have killed with my bare hands to reach her and know that she was safe. 

I know now that I should never have married Helen. What I felt for her wasn’t love, it wasn’t even close, but I can’t live in the past, I can’t live with regrets.

And I can’t let Barbara know how I feel.

She’s got better, but I know that she still has an issue with the whole Lord Asherton side of my life. I am not prepared to risk my friendship with her, I can’t. And so I will love her as a friend… and hope she never asks me why I don’t date anymore!


	3. Chapter 3

Settling back in my armchair I took a sip of whiskey and then started to read the file that was resting on my lap.

I had hoped to convince Barbara to come over for dinner, but she had politely declined saying that she had a previous engagement. I hadn’t pushed the issue, but I was unreasonably disappointed. Finding myself at a loose end, I had taken some outstanding paperwork home, hoping that it would occupy my mind and stop me from drinking too much.

Taking another sip, I turned the page. It took me a few seconds before I realised that what I was reading wasn’t part of the report that Barbara and I had compiled. I knew that I should stop but I couldn’t tear my eyes away.

Twenty minutes later my whiskey and the file were all but forgotten. A smile crept across my face as the meaning of what I had read began to sink in. I felt happy, in fact ridiculously so. I knew that Barbara had never meant me to see the document, and that she would probably be horrified that it had somehow got caught up in the file, but I was thrilled. Now all I had to do was work out what to do with the information. I knew one thing for sure; I wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass me by.

~*~

I made my way to Barbara’s desk, hoping that she was in a good mood and that she wouldn’t be too angry with me.

“Barbara, do you have a moment?”

She looked up from her computer screen and smiled. “Of course, Sir, what do you need?”

“I’d like to have a chat with you in my office.” I saw a brief look of fear flash across her face and I had to bite my lip so that I didn’t laugh. “Don’t worry, you’re not in my bad books, or anyone else's. Go and get yourself a coffee and then come and find me.”

Tommy was on the phone when I slipped into his office. I was about to apologise and leave, but he gestured for me to take a seat, which I did, and waited patiently for him to finish.

“Sorry about that Barbara.”

“No worries. So, you said that you wanted to talk to me.”

“I think you’ll find I said I’d like to have a chat with you.”

I let out an undignified snort, “you say potato…”

“Talk sounds so formal, a chat is something that friends do, and we are friends, aren’t we?”

“Of course we’re friends. What’s this all about Sir?”

He reached into his desk and took out a piece of paper. “You left this inside the Smith file.”

I leaned across and took it from his hand, my heart sinking as I saw what it was. “Have you read it?”

He nodded.

“It was private and personal.”

“I know. But before you lose your temper or rip my head off I want you to read something.” He stood and came around his desk and it was then I noticed that he had another piece of paper in his hand. “I have to go and meet with Evans. If you’re not here when I come back then I will have my answer.” He passed me the paper and then left the room. Unfolding it, I began to read.

_Dear Me,_

_I’m about to tell you something that will probably make you furious, actually I know it will because you hate someone telling you that you are wrong, even when it is you doing the telling to yourself!_

_You know absolutely NOTHING about love._

_Yes, you did read that correctly, and I am now going to make you even crosser._

_You were never in love with Deborah. You were never in love with Helen. You loved them, but you were never in love with them, and I doubt very much that they were in love with you._

_Love isn’t easy, but it also shouldn’t be hard work. Work; yes, hard work; a resounding no. Love also isn’t ownership. You don’t need to possess someone to be in love with them. In fact, the tighter you hold onto someone the harder they struggle to run away._

_Now, before you panic let me tell you a little secret; you are going to meet a woman who will turn your world upside down. That woman’s name is Barbara Havers._

_At first you will fight the feelings that you have for her because she is the complete opposite to any other woman you have ever met. You are an idiot; her differences are what make her perfect._

_Barbara challenges you, argues with you, confronts you and supports you. She makes you laugh, she takes care of you (while at the same time not taking any crap from you), and your life is generally a thousand times better because she is in it._

_The love you feel for Barbara, it is all consuming. You don’t want to own her, but you also don’t want to lose her. You will do anything for her, absolutely anything because she is the most important person to you, and she always will be. From the moment you meet her she will burrow her way into your heart, and nothing will make her leave, not even your poncy, stuck up attitude._

_If the opportunity ever arises, you must let Barbara know just how much she means to you, how important she is, how much you admire and love her. If she won’t believe you then you need to keep on telling her until she does._

_Whatever happens, never give up on her, because she will never, ever give up on you._

“Well?”

I glanced up from the letter to find Tommy standing in the doorway.

“Interesting.”

He came into the room and closed the door behind him and leaning against it.

“Interesting. Is that all you have to say?”

“No, I will also say surprising.”

“Does unwelcome feature anywhere?”

“Not currently.”

He pushed away from the door and moved until he was standing in front of me.

“Would you care to elaborate?”

I got to my feet and looked him in the eye. “And how would you like me to do that?”

His hands went to my waist, tugging me against him; I went willingly. “Are you open to suggestions?”

I smiled warmly. “Definitely.”

He lowered his head until his lips were nearly on mine, “good.”


	4. Epilogue

I held Barbara close, idly running my index finger up and down her arm.

“Am I forgiven for reading your private and personal letter?”

“Mmmm.”

“Was that a yes?”

“Uh-huh.”

“You’re not very talkative.”

She snuggled closer and closed her eyes, “I’m blissed out.”

I couldn’t stop myself from chuckling, “blissed out?”

“Would you prefer it if I said that I was basking in the afterglow?”

“I thought you’d say you were shagged out, I know I am.”

Her eyes flickered open and she smiled lazily at me. “Working with you has refined me.”

My chuckle evolved into a full-blown belly laugh. “Oh Barbara, I do love you. You know, we should have done this years ago.”

“Perhaps, but then again perhaps not.”

I pulled her back into my arms, “you’re right. We’re not the people we were back then.”

Now it was her turn to chuckle, “thank God, I was a bloody nightmare!”

“You weren’t.” She quirked an eyebrow. “Honestly. You were angry, hurting, and challenging but never a bloody nightmare. I understood you, just as you understood me.”

“It amused me that no one else could understand us. People either thought that you had the patience of a saint or that I was your bit of rough.”

“If only they could see us now.”

Barbara wrinkled her nose in disgust, “I’d rather they didn’t, I’m not an exhibitionist.”

I rolled her so that she was on top of me, “I’m not sharing you with anyone.”

She wriggled down my body, “that’s good to know because I don’t play well with others.”

“Neither do I, I’m yours and only yours.”

She pressed a finger to my lips. “I love you Tommy, now shut up and kiss me.”

“With pleasure."


End file.
